Monday, 27 August 2018

Broken and Warring

They gave you a heart, they gave you a name
you golem, carved of flesh and stone
your name carved into your heart
Melitius/Malicious

you are who you are, unbound by any other will that exists upon this plane of ice, of lies, of beauty and destruction. You have been given will, to enact and exact, to walk and speak, to choose and refuse, and you wear your heart, your name, upon your sleeve.

I have seen things/wonderful, terrible things

and I need to see more. I am held[back] and this is not positive. I don't know how to advance from here, with what I have here. I need to go there.

Do you hear it? The beating of broken wings?

Set the bone into the vice, hold it, force it, break it once more, -just once-. Ascend to the great heights of this temple, this volcano.

Finish this war that you never truly wanted.

Wednesday, 22 August 2018

Father and Mother

I'm searching to find the centre of the maze. This is all I know. Of all else, I am unsure.

Mother
Everything you did before you hit the ground I found
Believe me
Believe me
I'm mad

Truly, I am insane. I have to be. We all are, but we hide it to remain a part of society. If we could simply understand that our madness makes us human -- no, I'm making this an us, and not the royal one.

It makes us[royal we] sane. We cannot speak for you.

The more I embrace my insanity, the closer to the best self I come. But that is not the centre of the maze.

Since the last time I blogged, much has happened. My father shot himself. This was not expected, in any capacity. The last time I saw him was Father's Day.

I do not feel responsible. There are 'what ifs' floating around in my head. There are signs I missed that I see slightly more clearly now. There are indicators that I have been made aware of in the past two months.

I miss my father, and I always will.

I also directed a show for the first time. Clarence Darrow opened to widespread acclaim, with a sold out show, winning Best of Fest at the Calgary Fringe, and a wonderful performance by Brian. I'm proud.

I find it hard to congratulate myself in person, so I will do it in writing, here.

I'd hoped this would be a more poetic entry, but it seems doomed to be reportage.

Well, So it is.


Thursday, 17 May 2018

Attract and Repel

Somehow I have arrived in Toronto. I booked a late flight, hoping to score an audition earlier in the day, but never heard anything back. The plane landed behind schedule at 1:45am last night, and Google Maps was unsure I would even be able to reach my destination. Yet, here I am, after an hour of bussing. I was warmly greeted by Jill, an old friend and acquaintance from Passion Play/Rosebud. I was surprised she was even awake, much less willing to settle me in.

Speaking of, they set up an air mattress in their tiny living room, just for me! All I needed was a floor, and here I am sleeping like a king. The house squeaks like crazy, and I have yet to run into any of it's other denizens, but there's a whole day for that yet -- my friend had to head out early this morning, meaning we don't even get to chat at this part of my journey.

Why am I writing this. I suppose because I feel extremely grateful, and that I don't deserve this kindness. She made it very clear that she's more than happy to do so, but still I feel like I'm taking advantage of people, or keeping them from sleep, or taking up too much space. I have a lot of insecurities, and as much as I'd love to blame them on something outside of me, they are still of me. Only I can change them.

A stuffed hedgehog sits on their shelf. I know all too well what that symbolizes.

Certain symbols attract and repel me. Minotaurs are extremely interesting to me -- I see myself in them. Caged beasts trapped in their own minds.
Home is not a comforting idea. "Think of it like home" does not fill me with comfort, but rather longing, sadness and anger.

The first was a Betta Fish.
The second was a Hedgehog.
The third, ...a crow? I'm not sure. Some bird that enjoys toying with dogs.

And Dreams guide me through. Am I awake, or do I dream now? While the answer is so obvious for you, I struggle still.

Sunday, 1 April 2018

Godsight and ss/peak

Something I can never have

Here we are, in my story. There is great danger of failure, madness and death(finality[finally{Finite|Finale:Fine-fin-:|}]). It may very well end here -- the story is not compelling if that is not a possibility. Live out my days in a happy home, with trees and flowers and chirping birds and basketweavers, who sit and smile and twiddle their thumbs and toes.

The other path pulls me towards the 'impossible'[I am getting tired of that word]. Exhumation and Rebirth [the soil is too cold].

Open the jaw and sink in deep
Force it open and claw the grip

I will not let you get away so easily, you part of me, you perfect imperfection, you small that is wholle'r, complete'r, bette'r yet is not. I will pull you out of your depths by force if necessary, with loud music and shouting and anger and anguish and all

You hear me, you fen-sucked fogs, you raging hurricanoes -- fall upon this body and torment out what is nestled so deep within that even I must place unprovable faith in its existence. Prove me correct to the world. Not a curse, not a spell, but a promise.

I will out, as the truth does, as my heart does, I will speak what I want to ss/peak, I will compress centuries of knowledge, of humanity, of fear and terror and exultance into a single second.

And you will see me

and I

Will see

you.

Sunday, 25 March 2018

Reassure and Percentage

Reassurance took a strange form yesterday. I run into these depressive episodes, where I wouldn't classify myself as clinically depressed, yet I feel like I have been for years. The world weighs heavy on my, my shoulders slump and pull, and my consciousness pulls back deep into my eyes. I think only of failures and things I should have done.

I called a close friend in New York,and she talked through some things, made time for me, and was generally happy to talk to me. I'd forgotten how exuberant she was.
After the show, an odd meeting with an acquaintance took place -- we barely know each other, yet respect each others work immensely. Another reassurance that I wasn't alone. I'm not sane, but the 'right'[?] type of crazy.
Or she was being kind.

Psychological burden that I struggle with: being unable to determine what is real and what is false. I know some people are good liars, and so have difficulty trusting information given by those I don't know. And I must say, I feel I only know 1 or 2 people on a level that I can trust their information. Everyone else gets a percentage -- X is 80% likely to be telling the truth, as what they've said previously matches up with popular opinion/reality/my gut feeling.

Kindness rarely seems

I still hurt. It came out of seemingly nowhere. I turned off all the percentages for her, let the warning bells sound in my head, when she said she loved me.

When my love swears that she is made of truth, 
I do believe her, though I know she lies, 

That's the tough part -- I believe many a person, though I know they lie. It makes me a happier person to believe them, I think. 

Made me happy, at least. [wresting control from the tragedian] 
New day, new tragedies, new lies to believe. New eyes to pluck.

'Cause we'd rather clean the blood of a living man
We'd rather lean over, hold your warm, warm hand
We'd love to clean the blood of a living man
We'd hate to see you give into those cold, dark nights inside your head

Coffee's ready. Perhaps I'll create today.

I am the god that stalks the earth.
As are you.

Awaken thyself.

Friday, 9 February 2018

Irreplaceable and 'You're the ghost of my problem'

I m irreplaceable.

Of course, actions speak louder than words, and insecurities louder than confidence. I do not always believe I am irreplaceable. Then again, why else am I in theatre [doesn't matter, focus on the future] I suppose you're right, but all the same [no, there's no argument, focus on what is next]

Alright. What is next-

NOPE, really want to focus on the worry.

Let's get this out of my system.

I do not fear being big, being 'more than', being mad, being loving. I fear being replaced. It makes me want to love as many people as possible, to be invulnerable, to say to the world that I am beloved across time and space, and therefore all who have chosen to spurn me have erred.
That's what I want, as if that somehow vindicates all the damage I cause in my pursuit of irreplaceability.

Let's not pretend. I don't know who you are. I have some guesses, but ultimately, it doesn't matter. I write words and you follow.

Tonight was a difficult night for me. I listened to the last year of my life be intimately ruined. I felt anger, which is really a secondary reaction to the hurt that I feel. Not as much hurt as I would have felt two months ago, but still enough to keep me up late and despairing, reminding myself of how little I want to take part in this world. Which extends into the thought of how little this person wanted to be a part of my world.

I always take people at their word, which seems to create issues when people don't know themselves as well as I know them.

When my love swears she is made of truth
I do believe her, though I know she lies

I knew, and though I didn't test it, it was still true.

I am making a different choice now. I am choosing love over infatuation. So far, it's not easy. My heart felt so strong in Lenox, and now-

now, it's back to its frail little self. I am made of stronger stuff.
But I am also a cracked and open vessel.

This island's MINE, which thou takest from me.
And then I loved thee. Cursed be I that did so!
For I am all the subjects that you have!

Which first was mine own king.
And here you sty me, in this hard rock

I follow the dreams. I follow the minotaur. I follow the stars. I know not where they lead. I find immense relief in the idea of New York.

Marry, by these special marks. First, you have learned -like Sir Proteus- [laughter at obviousness]
to wreathe your arms like a malcontent, 
to relish a love-song like a Robin Red-breast,
to walk alone like one that had the pestilence,
to sigh like a schoolboy that had lost his A B C,
to weep like a wench that buried her grandam, [sadness at loss of my own]
to fast like one that takes diet,
to watch like one that fears robbing,
to speak puling like a beggar at hallowmas --
you were wont, when you laughed, to crow like the cocke, [wistfulness for my old friend]
when you walked, to walk like one of the lions, 
when you fasted, it was presently after dinner,
when you looked sadly, it was for want of money,
and now you are metamorphised with a mistress, [anger at friend]
that when I look on you, I can hardly think you my master.

I don't know what I want right now. Perhaps I want the feeling of fearlessness to return.

My Vergebeing is so easily distracted with music. Turn it on, and he's almost not present. Take it out, and he has something to say almost constantly [why do you refer to me as other/I am the same, I am myself]
When the child was a child
Burn. Slapping Chamdar's cheek and willing him to burn. Burn it all down, let none survive the mindswipe.
My nightmares are on my side now. The once-feared minotaur serves me without domestication. We breathe as one.
Wake up
Time to die.

I will crush my opposition into a fine dust, and with my blood and it I'll make a paste, and of the paste a pie shell I will make, and bake that strumpet, my unhallowed damn, into her own increase. This is the banquet I have set for myself, and this the feast I shall surfeit on. F0r I am all the subjects that I have, which first was mine own king to bear, the whips and scorns of time, the borne fardels, the thousand natural shocks this flesh is vulnerable to.

I am not mad --I would to heaven I were!

Friday, 26 January 2018

Preempt and Verge

Continue the wit
Explore the mind

I can choose to live beyond the verge [that way lies madness] and yet, [also, the future]. Who else can live there, in the time before time passes? Let's find out. All it takes is a millisecond. Beyond impossible, yet I have done it, and will do so again. Nevermore demean myself to be understood -- I shall not slow myself for the benefit of others, for there are those that can meet me [barely] and I have met them. Do more than survive, Caleb.

'Thrive' seems trivial and quant, but it does the trick. Onwards, Upwards; requires inward expansion. The sun rises on a new horizon.

What's next? Well, a trip to the bank. Letters of thanks, letters of request. Grants. Let's build a new temple, a new scraper of the skies, a new obelisk built upon the chasm left by the previous one. Rel[ease]

The drownspire [not mine own but I enjoy all the same] is comforting. This is it.
Welcome to the new age

And I will bring you with me. Keep up/[you're lagging already]

Preempt me.